Being sick and off anything that remotely resembles a schedule is super tough… for me. I think Little B is coping pretty well with whole days stretching ahead of him filled to the brim with play. I’m kind of sick of being sick. True story.

This weekend is our Campfire USA group kickoff. My co-leader and I decided it would be fun to begin with a campout since it’s one of the kiddos favorite things to do as a group. I spent a few hours today planning ahead for the camp out: art activities, orienteering activities, a hike, a group project, fishing, learning a few new songs, and some group games.

It’s funny how you’ll get into the groove of a deployment, some kind of rhythm where the missing him isn’t so obvious, but rather a dull ache, almost like background noise. And then something will happen which painfully reminds you of the weight of it all, and you’re left viewing things from every angle.

Planning this camping trip did just that. I’ve been missing Brooks fiercely lately anyway. And this weekend I’ll be reminded continually of his absence. It’s the missing him that gets me.

Of course, it may not help matters that poor JayJay is beginning to feel worse. This morning she vomited her water all over the floor and though she’s sniffed her food, she’s yet to eat any of it. I had to finally make calls to figure out what the process of putting her down will look like because it seems very likely that we might have to say sooner than we’re ready.

There have been very few moments during these deployments when I’ve felt with all certainty that I needed Brooks here, really and truly. This is definitely one of them. I’m not quite sure how I’ll muster the strength to take our baby in, knowing full well I’ll be leaving without her.

Regardless of all that, melancholy moods and all (really, this sick thing needs to go!) I remain thankful for all that our day brought us. I am thankful for Brooks being able to visit with friends today, who quickly shared stories with him about their losses and in the process comforted him. I’m thankful for feeling well enough to bake cookies with My Boy. I am always thankful for phone calls from half way around the world, for Daddy always knowing what to say, for declarations of love, and hope, and peace. I am thankful for carving a pumpkin with Little B, memories made and treasured, and too many kisses to count. And I’m thankful for another day with our sweet JayJay, for three years of amazing memories, of wet kisses, and boxer wiggles.

Life remains sweet.

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