It’s not a secret at all that Brooks and I have been trying for Baby Number 2 since the doctor gave us the go-ahead after we welcomed Baby Brooks into our family (too much information, mayhaps).

Of course, I can’t really say we’ve tried for 12 years. That would be lying. Brooks deployed 5 times. Take into account schools, training, etc and MAYBE we tried for a good 6 years but that might be generous of me.

Somehow trying for little B (three months) seemed easy and we took it for granted.

I will say, those nine months of pregnancy were glorious. I loved and cherished every second and I’m grateful for that, looking back now, especially understanding how not easy it’s been since then to end up in the same state.

There have been months where it’s been gut wrenching, the not being pregnant part.

But mostly, it’s our faith that has gotten us through it and has seen me most months have a calm and peaceful acceptance of where we are. For one, we are so blessed to have Little Brooks. I’m grateful for that and don’t take it for granted, at all. I’ve cherished and loved all the stages, cherished and loved the moments big and small. I have no regrets with the passing of time.

At times I’ve felt horribly guilty and silly wanting another one when we have loved on and known so many other couples who have struggled and been unable to conceive even one baby. My heart grieves for them and rejoices, joyfully, when I hear that a friend or loved one is expecting. New life is a beautiful thing. And childhood, from the perspective of a parent… it’s breathtaking and mesmerizing and beautiful all at once.

But again, it’s been our faith… trusting God’s timing and purpose in our lives, that has gotten us through these longs years of endless longing for another little one nestled in our arms. I yearn for that in such a real and very raw way.

And always, my gratitude for what I have, not what I don’t, gets me through those hard moments when my yearning just gets to be a bit too much.

The hardest thing for me, truly, has been knowing Baby Brooks’s longing for a sibling. His longing is palpable too. He speaks of this sibling, this one he loves and daydreams about and longs for, quite often.

That’s hard.

And then there’s Daddy Brooks, who through 5 long and hard deployments, missed so much. He years for what he missed, and I can’t blame him. Photos and video messaging, letters from back, care packages… they don’t always bridge that gap of missing things as well as we would want them, though they help and I’m grateful for them.

Over a year ago I had the most vivid, real dream I’ve ever experienced in my life. I really thought what I was experiencing was real. I found myself holding this beautiful baby in my arms. For some reason, though her hair was short (and oh, goodness, how much hair she had) and she wore a simple white onesie, I knew she was a girl. I just knew it. My heart was immediately flooded with love for her. I took my breath away, this love that was so big and grand and overwhelming. I cooed at her and she looked at me with these big beautiful brown eyes. I nuzzled her and felt her sweet breath against my cheek, the soft tendrils of her hair… I was smitten.

And the next moment, I was awake, in my bedroom in Virginia, Brooks sleeping peacefully beside me.

The missing her, the realization it had been a dream… my heart felt torn in two. It’s so strange, the missing of someone who doesn’t exist, though the loving of this precious baby we’ve longed for for so long has never seemed strange or odd in comparison.

I feel like I’ve been chasing that precious baby since then, in a way I hadn’t before.

These last eight months, working with the fertility doctors here on Oahu, have been the hardest part of this journey. I keep reminding myself that it’s in God’s hands. I’m grateful for my faith, and my walk with Christ, because I don’t know how I’d cope otherwise. But it has been hard, both physically and mentally. And it does seem so weird, all the stuff they have you do or go through: so unnatural 😉

We’re looking at another 5 good tries before the doctor’s here recommend IVF. I’m not sure we would take that route.

But regardless of what may happen, I remain ever so grateful for the life we have, the love we have for each other, and my family, regardless of its size. I love my boys with a passion that knows no bounds and am, in return loved just as fiercely. I walk life, hand in hand, with my best friend. We are surrounded by a plethora of friends and family. Our life is rich indeed, and I choose, especially in the hard momemts, to count those blessings and be grateful for them.

Always.

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